I am not surviving anymore

I’ve been praying for a few different things, as I am sure we all are. But I believe I heard Him answer one of my questions the other day. I have been rewinding that moment in my head, picturing what it looks like in the day to day and just filled with gratitude because I have genuinely felt a shift.

I believe the answer was “take really good care of your family.” I had heard this two different times, a few days apart. The more you hear the Lord, the more you can recognize the way you feel when you hear, the contrast to what you hear vs. what you feel (helps to answer the question “am I making this up?”), you start to see/hear confirmation in other places, and you feel peace. And the muscle strengthens over time.

At first I thought “But Lord, that’s ALL I do. Is take care of my family.” And I just felt Him making it clear that there’s more to be invested, more of my heart, without reserve or coping - I am not surviving anymore, but being fulfilled and that has been missing. We’ve had such a hard year that I have felt so depleted and less creative. I believe that is changing. So the conversation is still happening - “ok Lord, show me how. Give me ideas, breathe life in the spaces that have been broken or dormant.”

Too many times I have been frustrated with the reality of our circumstances, angry that God hasn’t changed what I know He can. There have been moments all I wanted was to escape for a breather. I have not been taking ownership or stewarding my home and family as well as I can in this season - in the hard and hopeful parts. I have prayed that He would change it. But I have also been praying that He would show me and give me vision, help my heart hope...

I want to bring so much more life and light - joy to my home and family than I have. Let me encourage you - it will not break you to be honest with yourself. It is bringing life and vision to let go of the things that are needing to be pruned and released. When the Lord speaks, it’s always for our good. I need this. I needed to silence the voice of pride that says I don’t need to change or ask, that says I know what I am doing. And He is replacing and refilling as I let go. And I’m just so grateful.