I didn’t want to acknowledge the possibility

One of the most painful seasons I've ever gone through in my life was the one that brought one of the greatest treasures.

I didn’t think it was postpartum depression- at least I didn’t want to acknowledge the possibility with the hope that it might not give it room in my life. But I was not myself. Something felt lost or asleep, laclustre. I tried to deny its existence. I'm used to changing what I don't like. This was a new kind of beast. And it had already happened before I knew. It slowly crept in. It didn’t begin when I had her but while I was pregnant. So just something on the depression spectrum maybe. I’ve never been depressed in my life, even in the darkest moments of my parent's divorce I had joy right alongside the pain. This was all new.

This was unlike anything I've been through. And I felt trapped with no control - not to sound dramatic or anything, but that's the truth of how I felt. The signs were there while I was pregnant, but they were very different after I had Aviana. When I was pregnant, I was unmotivated, I felt hopeless, and just all around not myself because I had been so sick for so long and felt so uncomfortable in my own body. I'm fully aware it's normal to feel uncomfortable but I had never felt so uncomfortable in my own skin while feeling powerless to change it. Then there was a bunch of shame and guilt for feeling that way while being fully aware of this precious little human inside of me.

The day I had her something changed. The exact day. No longer unmotivated or without hope. But my thinking was rigid, I dealt with a lot of fear, and being around people was overwhelming to me. I thought it was just the newness of having a newborn but the rigid thinking stuck around for 18 months. It was like an out of body experience at times. I was aware I wasn't myself but didn't know how to change it. And I am not kidding when I say... I was healed at 18 months. I remember the very day when I felt the shift. I clung to a word of healing that had been prophesied over me.. "I pray for the Lord to bring healing to your body in this hour. I saw the Lord anointing your head to bless your thought process as well - any mental stress you have been experiencing will be broken as you experience healing of your mind and body." When I read this I felt so affirmed. Like God himself was letting me know He sees me. And the healing was coming. I cried when I read it because I felt a little more free to acknowledge that it was difficult but that help was on its way. This wouldn't be my new normal.

I'm honestly not sure why I felt led to share, but I did. I hope it helps anyone who might have felt alone in their journey. There is always more power in the Healer than the brokenness and I am so grateful.

And also, um hormones can be really crazy!