somewhere inside I believed God should’ve answered my prayers

A couple of weeks ago I was listening to a sermon. It started out highlighting the kindness and wisdom of God in His timing to answer prayers. I thought, "Oh I know this is going to be for me." Because "waiting for complete healing" for our twins has been my parking spot for almost two years now. It spoke to my heart - the reminder that He doesn’t withhold good gifts from us but gives them at the perfect time, His timing. Have you heard that before? I know I have. But when you are in the thick of something, with your heart on the lookout for an anchor of hope, sometimes you are softened to the truth you need in a new way. I think I am learning something about myself... that I somehow somewhere inside I believed God should’ve answered my prayers at the time I thought was best. It's taken a while for me to become aware but if I am being honest with myself, this has been coming from some roots of pride I believe He is bringing to the light and uprooting.

Maybe you’re good at waiting or trusting but I’ve been frustrated. I’ve had no problem believing He can do it. But I think I’ve had a much more entitled, princess-type perspective than I thought or would’ve ever liked to admit. In the sermon, I was reminded that in even partial healing, God deserves all the glory. I agree and wish I could say that has been the position of my heart all along but it hasn't. I have no problem believing, it's just that sometimes I expect my prayers to be answered, in my timing. And because He is a loving Father, I am consistently reminded that though He brings healing, it may not be in the way we expect or the timing we hope for.

Now of course it's not that simple, not as much of a toddler tantrum as it may sound. There have been lots of tears, brokenness, and feelings of desperation in the mix. I didn't realize I was believing what I wanted was a better plan than God's, His timing, and that He should deliver. I was wrong to fix my eyes on my agenda and I probably missed some beauty in the pain because of it. I am still learning to surrender and thankful for His grace with me as I lean in now.
This confession thing really does have power. And it alone has brought so much healing and freedom.

There are a few reasons I share these thoughts. Friends, I want to encourage you if you are waiting, just keep holding on to whatever hope and faith you can. He has healed more than I even knew I needed healing for. I have been focused on my boys' healing but He has seen us all in the details of how He has cared for us along the way. And I want to challenge you to join me in releasing if you too have thought your plans are better. I am with you, I don't like that I have thought those things but God is really good at rebuilding brokenness. And softening a heart for His glory and our fulfilled purposes. Also, I think it's good to be human. And confess. It's how we know we are all in this need for Jesus together and that there's hope. There is in fact healing. Redemption.