Telling God all the things I wish were no longer in our life

I still can’t look at most of the photos on my phone from the first two years of my boys’ lives. The pain of the past, the heartbreak of what I felt was stolen, the triggers that bring me back to the anxiety and hell.

We are nowhere near where we’ve been but there are still flare-ups and sensitivities, lots of food, gut, and skin talk. We are still working toward full freedom but there are bumps along the way. The other day Ezekiel ate some dairy and it threw him into a mild anaphylactic shock.

Dane was home with the kids, and I was in yoga class. 5 minutes in and he calls me (which he never does unless it’s an emergency). He says he thinks Ezekiel is going into shock and that I need to come home so he can take him to urgent care. He had hives all over his body, his face was so swollen, eyes were swollen shut.

I was mad, frustrated, triggered. I cried on the way home. Telling God all the things I wish were no longer in our life. The way I wish we were fully freed from moments like these.

I believe I was gently encouraged by the Lord that we are not going back. It’s easy to feel like we are going backwards because it can all happen so quickly - one thing can throw either boys into a flare-up that impacts them for sometimes days. but I believe God was giving me hope in that moment as if it was a rainbow - we will not experience what we went through in the past two years again.

To be honest, I am not sure why I am sharing other than I felt led to and I know it’s so helpful to see the wrestle. The hope in the journey to freedom. Our boys are doing so much better but we still have things we are praying for and working through. A handful of things He’s uprooting in my heart. Because He wants true freedom for more than just my boys.

My heart goes out to you if you are in the thick of your painful season. No matter how hard, He is with you and no matter how mad I’ve been at times, I am so grateful to know a God who is in the thick of the mess with me. Breathing hope and life with His presence. I pray He strengthens you to keep going and that He brings the connections of loving people, helpful advice or answers all along the way as a reminder He sees you.